Posts

I haven't posted much in a long time now, and it's not because I'm bored.
My body is continuing to break down, and I try to limit my minutes by the computer. In only minutes, my fingers and hands go numb when typing, my feet and legs when I sit down, and I don't know what to do about this. I hope the MRI in 3 days will find a reason, or at least find something that can be fixed by other ways than just physical therapy.
I'm getting desperate, but can only wait and hope for the best.

This may be my last post in a VERY long time.

New month, new issues

So we've come to August. Yay.

Had a great start of the month - been in bed all day due to a migraine, somehow got a bug bite on my right shin that is utterly sore and has stiffened my leg from my ankle up to my thigh, and I have a slight fever. Just what I needed.

Less than six weeks until my MRI. If I live that long. :S

Another week, another physical therapist, new equipment...

Monday is here. Went to see my new physical therapist today (Dara), since I wore out the first one (Sofie).
No more acupuncture since it didn't work at all. The new approach is heat, more electric stimuli, and more support. I got my very first pair of crutches, to help me support myself instead of constantly walk around with extreme tension to keep myself upright. Later in the week, I'll shop for a heat pillow, one of those things you put in the microwave oven until it's hot enough to last a little while.
As for Dara's ideas of what my problem could be, she wasn't sure. It could be disk hernia, it could be something similar, or it could be cancer. Nobody seems to be able to tell what it is for sure until I have the MRI - which I finally have an appointment for! I called the clinic today, and I've had an appointment for a while even though something went wrong in mailing it to me. I only have to wait for a couple of months until I have it - in September. It's a while until then, but at least I have something concrete to look forward to. I want the truth, and I think I can handle the truth. I just want to know - and know if there's anything they can do about it. It's always good to have a goal, and now I have one more. It may be on collision course with my goal to spend Xmas in with Joe and Ang, but my health has to come first.

Losing my mind

Another sporadic attempt to write something that makes sense to more people than myself. Only you can judge if I succeed.

I'm slowly but surely losing my mind, or whatever is left of it. Right now, I have way too many unknown variables in my life to know what next week has to offer. My body is starting to break down, and I still haven't heard anything about getting an appointment for an MRI. I'm sure one reason is that it's summer in Sweden. Everything that doesn't shut down, slows down - even health care provision. I'm glad to be 'in the system' though, since there will eventually be some sort of action.

The problem is that I can't plan anything since I don't know 1) when I'll get the MRI done, 2) what the scan will reveal, 3) how long in the future potential surgery would be, 4) how long it'll take to get me back on my feet, and 5) if physical therapy is as good as things will get. So far, physical therapy has only made me worse (ok, not quite fair to my wonderful therapist who has tried everything she could think of), or the therapy has been going on in parallel with my body deteriorating. Either way - I didn't think it'd get this bad.

In all this, I am still happy to (finally) have free health care (as slow and uncertain as it may be), since if I had remained in Canada without any health care, I could be in a very bad position right now. Karma is doing its thing, I reckon. I haven't found a job yet in spite of plentiful attemps, and it feels like I won't be able to find anything until my body is back in functional shape. I'm not even looking for jobs actively, since I'm on sick leave. Unemployed and on sick leave.

But I'm still positive about the future. It'll take a lot more than this to make me lose hope. :)

Update

Been a long time since I wrote anything in here. I've had my reasons. I've started going to a physical therapist, and initially, I felt like this is all I need to get well. After a few sessions, however, things started to go in the wrong direction. She didn't do anything wrong, it was just my body letting me know that working out was not what it wanted. Since then, I've been to the orthopedic clinic in Västerås, which ended up with me being on the waiting list for an MRT/MRT - a body scan. Maybe the mysteries of what is wrong with my body and what can be done about it will finally be revealed. I hope so.

I'm now officially on sick leave, and I no longer have to look for jobs I never could take anyways. That is also typical, since I finally found a job in Montreal that I really liked and that felt was customized for me. Video game translator/tester - could it be any better? I'm still waiting to hear from them, but I reckon karma is somehow making sure that I won't find a job until my physical issues have been dealt with.

For the best of my body, I shouldn't sit by the computer for very long, but I get stir crazy doing nothing. I have started with a new version of the SAQD web site, and my personal website has also received a slight upgrade. As long as I still manage to fit my exercises between computer time, I feel I can do this. I NEED to do this. I crave it, and it's therapy of sorts for my soul, no matter how crazy that may sound.

I have tried to get in touch with Lenny in the last few days, after only getting a few seconds the first time I called in ages. Not sure why I'm not getting through. Could just be bad timing, or I get screened by his mom. I hope he's doing well. He means too much to me for me to just let things go and accept that he's more or less on his own. Some words from friends concerning him are encouraging, but there are still so many question marks that I just don't know. I really hope that I'll be able to find out what is really going on fairly soon.

Blog interruption

There might be some time until I write here again.
I've come up with this idea to write down everything about my first backpacking trip back in 1988, and this should take all the time I have to sit down most days.

Just so you know.

The woman of my dreams might be the key to the woman of my future reality

As strange as that may sound, I am maybe as confused about that as you are.

I have had another drug induced dream. Actually, I have had MANY drug induced dreams since I wrote anything here last. Since my last post, my life has pretty much been a hazy mix of drugs and sleep. I believe my body is starting to get along better with the prescribed drugs, but I am taking it an hour at a time, to not get any hopes up. I know by now that my body's reaction to these drugs can be unpredictable, judging from the first batch. Considering that I am on a second batch--twice as strong--together with two other medications, I don't even pretend to think I know how my physical body will react. Obviously, it's just as hard to predict how my psyche with its already complex twists and turns will be able to deal with it. I just hope that my dream state will continue to take care of most of it, so that my awakened state doesn't have to deal with the many dimensions of consciousness that seems to exist in my dormant self. That's as good as I will ever be able to explain what is going on right now. This is new to me, and I am but a mere vessel here, trying to convey the words of my mind's journey as good as I can. If you are confused, you don't even want to know my state of mind when I wake up with yet another dream that initially makes more sense than any reality I've ever lived, but swiftly fades away and soon becomes just a part of my past - a part that was never as real as the past that can be verified with dates, locations, and witnesses.

A post today!

Haven't been blogging much lately. Have spent the time I have been able to sit by the computer for my Bladlund.com website upgrades. Since I apply for jobs in Sweden as well as outside the country, I need to have it in Swedish and in English. An upgrade was overdue either way.

The morphine is not working as well as it initially did. Not even close. But I have no side-effects anymore. Tried to call the doc about it today, but got the word that I can only call weekdays between 7:15 and 9am. So - I need to wait until Monday morning, and my morphine runs out Tuesday morning...

Starting to see the drug addict/author connection...

...in the last few days. I still don't understand why anyone would like to go through the process of getting into drugs voluntarily, since it's a nasty one. I don't really want to think about stopping taking these drugs, but that is only a week away and I'll know soon enough.

Since my last post, I've slept a lot, and gotten used to the morphine in my system. I haven't had any side-effects lately, except for some that aren't listed on the package. Almost every time I wake up from one of my numerous naps or longer sleeps, I have a story in my head. If I took the first minutes after I woke up and wrote things down, or at least the outline, I would have the basis for several novels or shorter stories by now. Or song narratives, if I was a song writer. These stories have nothing to do with my own life, they're just fictional works that have popped up in my head while my conscious has been out cold and my subconscious has been more active than usual. My brain is really active now while I'm resting my body. It's as if the brain has more time to be active while the morphine has taken the pain load off the body - and I'm certain that the morphine is making the brain think things it wouldn't without it too, or the stories in my head wouldn't be as vivid and far out as they have been. I haven't written them down, and I have no examples, but every time I do recall them--even just for a few minutes after I awaken--they are so real that I could swear on their validity. Then I realize where I am, and what's in my system.

I can really see how some of the greatest writers (of books and music) also have been been drug addicts. Perhaps other drugs can do the trick, in other ways for other people. Since this is the first drug I've really tested, I am no expert on the topic, but I can see how it fits together. And it still leaves me a firm believer in not doing drugs recreationally. If one can't deal with real life without drugs, why run from the problems even temporarily when everything is still there once the drugs have worn off? Plus - drug addiction rarely affects only the person taking them, and I have no intention to ruin anybody's life but my own (if it ever came to that).

Kind of good to know though, that I have a mind full of stories that can surface under the influence. I've always loved to write, even if I have no storytelling skills whatsoever.

How can anyone be on morphine recreationally by choice?????

If I didn't know that morphine takes away pretty much all the back pain I've been struggling with for years in an instant, I woudn't believe it. And even though I know it's temporary, I am glad I got it. BUT! Considering the side-effects, I can NOT understand how ANYONE can take this drug voluntarily as a recreational drug. If someone likes taking this drug just for getting away from their reality, they must have serious problems. But I'll get to that pat in due time. I'll take my visit to the ER step by step. I think it's worth telling the story.

So - my mom picked me up to take me to the ER, which is located in Västerås, a bigger city about 35km from where I am now. SO wonderful to only have that far to the nearest ER, eh? At least we have an ambulance depot here in case someone is bleeding through their ass or is going into cardiac arrest or something.
Once there, I walked up to the ticket thingy, and got my number for waiting in line. Turns out, it was my turn right away. I explain my situation, that I just came home from Canada, have been waiting for weeks to get an appointment with a doctor in Sala, my hometown, and that my back has gotten to the point where I had no choice but to come to the ER for some help. The admitting nurse was flabbergasted with how I had been treated in Sala, that I hadn't gotten an appointment yet, and explained that she wasn't really allowed to admit me. The 'correct' way to admit me was to have my family doctor send me here, and let them know in advance that I was coming so they would have time to prepare. Whatever. As I got worried that they actually wouldn't let me in, I stated my case and that I really had to be admitted since I was in too much pain to function on any level as a human being!!! The nurse realized I was teling the truth, and finally admitted me, with the explanation that would describe in the admitting records why she let me in without following the proper procedure. Phewww! Relief. Step one passed - I was IN!

After paying the required $50 to get care, I took a seat in the waiting room, and had only waited for a minute or when an orderly called me in to a room, where I should wait for a doctor.

About an hour and a half later, a doctor actually showed up in my room. In spite of my naturally calm nature, I was about to lose it, but seeing the doctor brought me back to my normal calm. And as usual, I got a foreign doctor. In my many visits to the ER in my life (many reasons, but none important here), I have NEVER had a Swedish ER doctor. This time I got a Russian, Bulgarian, or someone from that region. I didn't ask, but the name and accent were both fairly revealing. He started to examine me, after a bunch of questions about my condition. Since I didn't have certain symptoms, I was told that didn't need the anal probe, but I could've had it done in case I wanted to. I politely declined. Maybe five minutes later, he had come to the conclusion that, yes, once again, I had disk hernia. Just like I suspected. The verdict was in. He also told me that some times (most of the time), a disk hernia can heal itself with just medication and rest. Not rest like I see rest, but complete rest, with staying in bed as much as I could handle. No long walks, no going to the store and come back out with a bunch of grocery bags hanging from my backpack for everything that didn't fit inside it. Nothing. Oh well. At least I knew for sure now. Prior to my visit to the doc, I thought that moving around a bit couldn't hurt, or that it could even help. Good to know what I can and can't do, or rather should and shouldn't do.

In the next three hours or so, a nurse came in with my first painkiller, that I needed to take to make sure that it wouldn't make me sick. Then the docotr came back with two prescriptions, and he carefully told me how to take them since they were powerful. Any error in how I took them, and I could be back in the ER in no time. Knowing that I would get a couple of versions of morphine made me peaceful, since I know that this is powerful shit. My dad used to take them for some of his pain issues, and it mostly worked for him. Next step was to have me pee in a cup, for other tests, and they also took some of my blood to see if there was something else wrong with me. One never knows what I might have picked up in my seven years in Canada!!!!

Once I could leave, I felt good, and the short-term morphine tablet that I got had no bad effects on me. The long-term kind was in store for late that night. The long-term kind, I was supposed to take two of, morning and night, until I knew that it took most--if not all--of my pain away, and then I could go down to one table twice a day. The short-term kind was for possible spikes of pain, and should only be taken when needed. While waiting before it was bedtime and I was about to take the tablet, I went through the information about the medication I had received. "Mostly for use with patients with severe cancer pains", said the description. Should be strong enough then, I thought. The side-effects mentioned dizziness, drowsiness, potential nausea and vomiting, and some others. I rarely get affected by the side-effects stated, so I figured - why for this one?

Only minutes after taking the two-tablet dose, I started sweating, and yes, there was nausea. The nausea quickly made me run to the bathroom, and this is pretty much how my first night ended up. If I stayed in bed, it wasn't too bad, but any attempt to stand up ended up with me in the bathroom. Terrific. I had no pain in my back though!!!

This was two and half days ago. Now, I can actually eat food and keep them, even though the nausea is lurking. I reckon my body has gotten used to the shock the morphine initially gave me. I don't move around too much though. I sleep 20 hours of the day, and don't get up much. I try to eat, but I probably don't eat enough. I know I might not be able to keep it if I eat or drink too much, so why try. Might get better in the next couple of days, since I am cutting back to one tablet per dose starting tonight. Will be interesting how this affects my job interview next week.

I think this is all I'll write for now. Feels like it's time to get horizontal for the night. But there you have it, folks! A short tale about what can go on at a Swedish ER. Fun, eh.

Mighty Morphine recipient

Yes, I got to see a doc in the ER today, and got some morphine to help with the pain. Might be some weird posts in the next few days, or no posts at all. Just so you know, people!!!!!

Where I stand

I have come to a point right now when I need to do something concrete. Waiting for doctor's appointments that never arrive is pointless. Instead, tomorrow Wednesday I will head to the nearest Emergency Room (30kms; not in this town) and sit there until I get admitted. If my symptoms aren't serious enough to do anything, I don't know what to do. Right now, I can't move without feeling shooting pains in my back, I've started to walk more on the front of my feet to not have to take the back pains from landing on the heel, I can't walk for more than 3-4 kms without having to lay down afterwards to be able to breathe right (back cramps up enough to affect my lungs getting enough air), and I have had sciatica in my left leg for almost a week straight.

Applying for jobs feels ridiculous, since no employer in their right mind would hire me in this condition. In spite of this, I HAVE applied to 26 jobs since in the last month that I've been back in Sweden, and I have started to call around to the places I've applied to in hope it'll help my résumé/cv move up in the pile. Unfortunately, my pathetic cell phone operator have--after a full month!--not been able to fix my wish to add a feature called Global3, which would enable me to call the countries (Canada, Ireland, and the UK) that I have applied for work in other than Sweden for a measly CAD$0.03/minute. Until they fix this, it'd cost me almost $1/minute to call, so any foreign job application follow-up is currently impossible. I just got off the phone with yet another customer service guy who promised I'd get a call later this week with a solution to the problem, and not until then could a discussion of proper compensation for them failing to activate a seemingly simple service be initiated.

Take my word for it - I won't let this incompetence slide without compensation that I consider to be appropriate. We'll see how much they value me as a continued customer, even though I'm not sure I want to continue with them. After all, everything regarding them has gone wrong from the start: it took almost a week to get my phone working, and then this Global3 feature fuck-up.
The only good thing is that I have good coverage around here, and even when we traveled up to see my cousin in Umeå. I'm also happy with the phone itself, which has some neat features that are useful (compass, step counter, MP3 player, FM radio, 2.0MP camera, waterproof, dustproof, and other normal phone stuff). I'm curious as to what they could offer me. I don't want a phone upgrade. We'll see.

My mind is still primarily Canadian...

...as my dog sitting days are in their last few hours for this time. I've noticed this in how I communicate with the dog. With (most) humans, there's a fair interaction where we take turns initiating a conversation. With dogs, there isn't much speech (as we know it) from them, and all human speech comes from us. When I have talked to the dog in the last few days, my language of instinct has been English at least 80% of the time. This shows fairly well that I still haven't converted into thinking in Swedish, and it also shows that my interactions in Swedish are more about translating my sentences rather than instinctually and spontaneously speak my mind. Interesting. Maybe I can dog sit more often, and see how far my mind and instincts have changed.

Dog sitting

I don't mind dog sitting, especially when I have no other plans. But man - it's not something I'd like to do on a permanent basis. This dog is spoiled beyond belief. Used to being walked every few hours (day AND night), is allowed to beg by the table, and GETS lot of food while begging. Insane. This dog has a bottomless stomach, and still manages to keep its figure. Could be because it's never still.

I'm never getting a dog. No need to get tied down by anything at this point. If I get a dog at ANY point in time, it's time to check the temperature in hell. I bet you can go ice skating down there when I get a dog.

I don't mind dogs. I just don't see any reason to ever get one.

Licence renewed!

Today, something finally went right!
I received my renewed driver's licence!

Will come back here to write more when something else positive happens. Unless I just can't keep the bad stuff bottled up anymore.

Swedish health "care" confusion

The health care system in Sweden is totally confusing. I just got back here, so I have no clue what is going on. Expected. But when I talk to my cousin and her husband who both work as nurse/EMT (?) have no clue either, I am stunned.

The situation is that I have come to the point where I REALLY need to see a doctor, as I am (my back is) getting worse by the day. I can't even turn myself in bed without waking myself up from the pain. I tip-toe around the house, because it hurts too much to walk normally as the heel hits the floor and pain shoots through my spine.

I have been waiting for a letter from the doctor's office, saying I have an appointment. Today, I called them again, and it turns out there is such a shortage in doctors that they still haven't found one that can schedule me in the foreseeable future. Yay.

My other option was to go to the emergency room, which we have none in this town. The nearest one is 30kms away, and if you show up unexpected, you better be really seriously hurt in a life or death situation, or you'll end up spending the next day or two waiting. Since I'm not dying from this yet, I would end up waiting forever. How do I know I would have to wiat? I called the number you're supposed to call if you get sick and don't need an ambulance, and talkd for a while with this person who is supposed to find the best solution for borderline emergency cases. I ended up getting the advice to try to find a private doctor, and see what they can do for me. *SIGH*

Tomorrow, I'll call around to the few private clinics here in town to see if any of them have any openings, and if they are part of the health care system that gives you free health care once a certain amount of medical bills is reached. My cousin is on standby to give me a ride, since I yet have to receive my renewed driver's licence. Then again, I'm not sure I should drive in this condition anyways.

Tomorrow will be interesting. I just wish I had some positive news to write here about my back. One day, I will!!!! I'm just not sure when that'll be...

Ups & Downs

As for the downs, my back continues to worsen. Part of it is that I've stopped taking the pain killers I have, since they are definitely not good for me. As soon as I stop taking them for more than half a day, I get crazy headaches that last and last. They last for days even if I start taking the damn pills again, so I have stopped altogether for now. At least my mind is clear for now, and I prefer that to feeling like my brain is trying to leave my skull. A bad back, I am quite used to and can handle. As far as I know, it's only pain, and as such, the doctor (once I get to see one) can figure out what to do with the problem.

On a positive note, I now have my card adapter so I can move files from my camcorder/camera to the cocmputer for editing and uploading to Facebook. I took some photos yesterday from my high school days, as I found my yearbooks from 1983-1990. Was a bit of a time machine, and it was all fun. I uploaded some photos to stayfriends.se (I assume there's a .com version too), where I tagged a bunch a people just like it's done in Facebook. If it can help some people--me or others--to find each other, it was all worth the time spent.

Will try to get some more photos taken in the next weeks, as spring has started to really make its mark here. The last week of primarily rainy days has turned the area green. Most trees now have leaves, and both lilacs and lily-of-the-valley are blossoming earlier than normal. With both being among my definite favourite flowers, it's time to head out and smell them. And, of course, photograph them.

One month in Sweden - the Pros and the Cons

So now it's been a full month since I touched down in Sweden. I had hoped that there would be some more progress in the health care area concerning my back by now, but that has not been the case - kind of as expected. I'm still waiting for the letter from the doctor's office with my appointment.

After this first month, I have had the time to see what is working here and what is not. Hopefully, the list will look positively different next month when it's time for the next list.

Pros of being in Sala, Sweden compared to being in the London area, Canada
- I have (somewhat free) health care.
- My living costs are negligable (since I only pay for water and electricity).
- I have some welfare money coming in each month.
- I don't have to live off of borrowed money.
- It's VERY cheap to call my friends in Canada on my cell phone (and all incoming calls and texts are free).
- I get to see lots of the relatives I haven't seen in ages.
- There are no bank fees from withdrawals or for having bank accounts.

Cons of being in Sala, Sweden compared to being in the London area, Canada.
- The health care system still hasn't shown that it's effective.
- I miss all my friends from the last 7 years BADLY.
- I don't like to live in circles. I go places, I don't go back to places (if I can help it).
- My cell phone operator's service SUCKS, and I still can't use the cheap phone calls to Canada after 2 weeks and several calls to the customer support.
- The food is bland, and the food that isn't, I don't know what it is.
- Tofu (and other soy products) is fairly expensive, hard to find, and the variety is non-existent.
- TV shows suck (the American shows I do like are at least one season behind, so I need to use torrents to watch the latest shows).
- I miss Taco Bell.
- My bank's nearest branch is over 30kms away.
- Fruit is VERY expensive.

This will have to be enough for now.

$$$

Ok, the title of today's post shouldn't be in dollars since that is not the currency in Sweden, but I don't know if there is a symbol for the Swedish krona. I doubt there is, so take the dollar signs for what they aren't. ;)

I finally know how much I will be getting to live off each month until I can find a job. I won't have to starve, and I can actually pick and choose some of the foods I want instead of living off the cheapest possible foods that aren't healthy for me. I even bought some vitamins and mineral supplements today! I was slightly surprised that the calcium pills had no mention of how much calcium that was actually in each tablet though, which is unusual. Judging by the size of the tablets, I know it's not a whole lot, but it would be nice to know for sure. This level of bad labelling would never be accepted in North America. But this is Europe. Whoopi-doo-dah.

Didn't get any pike today, coz I couldn't find the fish truck. I reckon I was at the town square at the wrong time or something. No biggie. One of these days...

Ripped a bunch of old CDs onto the computer I'm using, so I can revel in songs I used to listen to. Some, I will never listen to again, but some have remained close to my heart. Most of the ones that are still good to listen to are either rock or classical. Feels like pop doesn't stand the test of time as well as the ones mentioned.

Might head down to the town centre again tomorrow, to see if I can find a multimedia adapter for my SD cards so I can plug them in to the USB port. I miss being able to transfer photos I take with my camera to the computer, so it may just be time to invest in an adapter. One can only take pictures up to a certain quality with a cell phone...

Stay strong, and stay determined! About what, I don't care.

Welcome to Moronia

I think I have come back to a country of Morons.

There are no good Swedish shows on TV, no good Swedish movies, and the more my memory and new experiences of Swedish humour come to me, the more I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. For relatives, it doesn't matter since they're family (and I don't judge them much since it's nice to see most of them this time around), but about others - it's terrifying! I've never liked British humour, but now I am realizing that Swedish humour is just as bad! Part of it here is that it seems to be politically correct to act stupid, and since getting totally drunk is a Swedish (Nordic?) heritage, almost no one acts smart intentionally.

Maybe mentioning the term 'politically correct' is wrong. It doesn't exist here. I know that the vikings burped and farted as a sign of respect to the host and hostess that they were full and content after a meal, but it appears to still be accepted to do those things without a sign of apologies. In almost a month here now, I haven't heard ANYONE excuse themselves for any bodily noise, and that's a bit hard to get used to. If I acted like that when I first came to Canada and the US, I apologize to you now. However, I don't think I did. I think I have always been more civilized than that.

Time to get to bed, or at least soon. I'm hoping for a letter from the doctor tomorrow, saying I am invited to an appointment some time soon.

A new (real) post any day now

Still recovering from the trip up north, so I'll post something about it all tomorrow, most likely. Amazing what a long drive can do to an old body like mine! Dinosaurs should fly.

Evaluation: 3 weeks in Sweden so far.

My first observation is that I thought I would have a much harder time switching from English to Swedish when talking to people. This has turned out to not be an issue, except for the very first week, when I sounded like a total moron. It could be that I have talked to a lot of people, and gotten all those early mistakes out of my system. My thinking is still very mixed, as my thoughts and self-talking go on in both English and Swedish (some times at the same time).

The 'System'
I didn't think it'd be easy to get back in the system, with address change, attempts to get unemployment, and attempts to find health care - and it wasn't. I have to say this didn't surprise me.

The Swedes
The Swedes as a people feel different. The overall 'Swedish' culture has changed in some direction that I don't know where it's going. Could be the economical situation that has brought the pessimistic outlook, but it feels deeper than that. It's hard to describe - perhaps I will be able to tell more once I understand it better (if I ever do). People don't seem to care much anymore. From what I hear and have seen so far, people in the work force just barely do what is expected out of them - particularly the younger groups. If this is a sign of laziness, a lack of belief in everybody doing their share (so why should they?), or a lack of faith in the future - I don't know. I just know that this is not the same attitude towards work ethics that I knew when I moved to Canada. Is society about to crash? What is this? I just don't know.

Family
I haven't met everyone here in town yet, but I have a bunch. My back has limited me from seeing more than I could have, and I see no rush in meeting them all as soon as possible. They're around. So far, I've met my mom, grandma, 2 aunts, 4 cousins, 5 children of cousins', and 1 child of the children of my cousins'. and that's without even leaving this town! I should meet another 4 cousins within the next month, and a bunch of their children. It's been good.

The town of Sala
I expected this small town to have grown. That appears not to be the case. Not much construction in 10 years, and the town is definitely not spreading out.
Crime has definitely gone up. I've been warned to keep out of certain areas of town after dark, and that's new to this place since I lived here.
The demographics have changed a lot. When I left, the caucasian percentage of people living here was about 99.98%. Now, it is with a rough estimate maybe 85-90%. That's a lot of change in such a short time, and even though I haven't heard of any particularly racist environment, this could throw off the balance of a small town. People who have lived here all their lives get strange notions about the new people moving in, especially if they bring with them a new culture. Change can be hard if there has been very little of it in a long time.

Conclusion
I don't like what this has become. There is no 'drive' forward in the people, and I feel more like a misfit than I thought I would. I had expected to be a misfit until I got the hang of the language again, but that part turned out to be irrelevant to my level of not fitting in. I don't want to settle for this. If this continues as it has started, I will focus my energy even more on one day getting back to the culture I have come to love, even though I can't say exactly what it is in Canada that I like and now miss so much. Naturally, a big part of it is missing my friends, but it's more than that. Much more. It's not the normal 'the grass is greener over there', because I can compare the two and see many differences.
Maybe my 600km (one-way) trip to visit my cousin in the north of Sweden will change my opinion of what Sweden has become, but I doubt it. That doesn't get me down too much, but rather stimulate my focus on making it back to Canada. I'm patient. I don't mind cocooning for a while, and pretend to be part of whatever this is here.

Thank heavens...

...for relatives who work in health care and others who have plenty of prescription drugs that they don't need!!!! These have turned out to be very helpful until I can actually get a doctor's appointment.

I have done laundry today, and the first load is hanging outside, drying as we speak. The second is still in the washer. I'll hang that in the morning. :)

I'm getting worried.

Little to no progress here: No job or interviews yet. No unemployment funds received. No doctor's appointment yet.

The last one is becoming more and more vital to my health. I am seriously beginning to think that the disk between my L4 and L5 (where I had my hernia 4-5 years back) lumbar vertebrae has become so compacted lately that my vertebrae are touching. This would explain why I can barely rotate my torso without having excruciating pains, and why walking is becoming painful (it didn't used to be) from time to time.

I know that surgery could be in my near future if my fears are real, and this adds to my worries. I don't mind going under the knife per se, but an aunt had disk hernia surgery a couple of decades back, and she had serious problems afterwards (she couldn't even sit for YEARS). I'm usually not a worrier, but it's come to the point where I'm losing sleep over this. Until now, the pain has been acceptable. This sounds stupid, but if you know me, it should makes sense to you. I have a tendency to dismiss things as less serious than they really are, if I think it won't affect me negatively in the long run. Add to that that I hope for the best, and that I think I'm right - and the result could be bad.

I REALLY hope that I can get an appointment at the doctor's office real soon, to FINALLY figure out what is really wrong, and what can be done. It's time to drop the act that I can live with this, and to take care of things.

The health care system. And a squirrel.

Today, I called the health care office, and was greeted by a menu system, letting me decide when they would call me back to set up an appointment. I chose as soon as possible, which was 11am (I made the call around 10am). Around 12:15pm, they called me back. They started taking my information, and once the nurse (I assume) had all my info in the system, she was just about to ask when I wanted to come in. That's when she realized I had to fill out some form first, and that she would send it to me as soon as possible. Once I've sent THAT form back in to them, I can THEN call and make an appointment. Is this for real? What's going on here? I don't know. I guess I'll have more clues when I get the form.

After more than two weeks back in Sweden, I saw my first squirrel today. I hear they're getting close to extinct, so that felt like a treat! Quite the opposite of southwestern Ontario, where squirrels seem to be more prominent than people.

What goes up must come back down

I knew yesterday was too good to be true. I never really woke up today for some reason. I got out of bed, made some breakfast and broke the handle on the oven door. Great start. I managed not to burn my food though! Took a painkiller with the food, and went back to bed. Fell asleep, woke up, took another one, and then back to sleep. I might have repeated the cycle again, before sort of waking up for a few hours to be social (and to explain the oven door).

Now it's soon time to get to bed again, but I'll try to get through the latest episode of LOST that I downloaded yesterday before I get too tired. I kind of hope I'll get so tired that I fall asleep easily in spite of my back, especially since I don't want to take too many pills in one day. They're already at prescription strength, so I try to be careful.

Tomorrow, I will call and make an appointment with a doctor. My aunt got the phone numbers I should call, so it should be a breeze. From what I hear, it might be a while on the phone, waiting in line. Good thing I have free calls to landlines on my new cell, and I recharged it today.

Stay safe and protected. Use helmets, knee pads and whatever needed for your particular pastime.

A Good Day

Do I dare say it's been a good day? I hope it won't backfire this time. I managed to get my cell working without travelling an inch. It all was taken care of over the phone, and didn't take long at all. Spent most of the afternoon and evening entering numbers and changing settings to what I felt I wanted. So far, so good.

Mom came over, and we went to take care of the graves of my dad and my sis. We planted some flowers, and cleaned off the head stones. Looked nice when we left. Let's hope the frost won't ruin the flowers tonight, as freezing temperatures are in the forecast for the next few nights.

Was supposed to call and make an appointment with a doctor today, but my back felt better than it has in weeks, so I felt I could wait a day or two. Hopefully, I'll know by then when I'll receive some unemployment moolah.

May the force be with you.

So much for that joy...

I shouldn't have been so fast as to mention the cell phone being a good thing. I've spent some time on the phone with customer support today, and they have found nothing in their system that says my phone was ever activated in the store yesterday. They actually told me to go back to the store and talk to them! What a GREAT start at this new cell phone operator. Luckily, my uncle will take me to the store (which is some 3okm away from this town) tomorrow, so this can be sorted out. If I get nothing more out of this than just an activated phone, I'm gonna blow a fuse. They better make up for the extra time, gas, and effort that we are wasting to go back to the store!!

BUT - today wasn't just anguish. I met some more relatives who live only a 10-minute walk away, and it was good to catch up on the last decade. :)

Cell time

Luckily, I got to borrow some money until my first money trickles in, and I got myself a new cell phone. Since I am applying for jobs left and right (and there's no answering machine where I live right now), I need people to be able to reach me wherever I am.

Calling to Canada from my cell won't be as expensive as I thought. With a feature called '3Global', I'll be able to call 25 countries (yes - including Canada) for as little as 0.18 kronor (about CDN$0.022) per minute - with a $0.10 connection fee. I can deal with that, especially since I can use every penny I pay per month on my 'pay-as-you-go' deal to call. :)

I hope this is a good thing, and that things will continue. It's definitely one of those things that make the corners of my mouth go upwards.

Once the phone is activated and fully charged, there might be some pics on here finally. My blog as my testing grounds for cell phone photos transferred over bluetooth. Will it work? Check back to find out...

Culinary information

Since the food here in Sweden isn't the same in most ways in comparison to what can be found in Canada (except for the basic meats, seafood, and produce - you get the point), I have somewhat adapted to a different menu in my initial weeks. My choices has been based on what I can afford, what I know is edible, and the nutritious value. Nutritious in this case is not always what is healthy, but rather what gives me enough reliable energy to last another day.

Soy beverages
Not quite the same as in Canada, but that was expected. Not as full and tasty, yet it goes down. I'm not really picky when it comes to this - I know it's health benefits enough to get most kinds down.

Bread
Again, the varieties here are quite different from Canadian varities. I have so far preferred the thin bread, that can be rolled up and used as a food container. Kind of like tortillas, but rectangular and with more flavour.

Soups
By soups here I mean soups that are drinkable cold, much like a regular beverage. My two choices so far have been two Swedish classics: blueberry soup and rosehip soup.

Noodles
I haven't yet found anything remotely close to the 'Mr. Noodles' brand, but I'll live. The quality difference between the four brands I've tried so far has been enormous! As unhealthy as this is, it's quick and tasty (to a degree), and cheap. Not inexpensive - CHEAP! The kind from Korea did not have MSG, but the one from Thailand did. Not sure what the rules are on MSG here. We all know it's bad for you though.

Tuna
The one kind I've tried so far was a bit scary. The can said finely chopped, but it's more like granular tuna. If it is tuna. Didn't really taste anything.

Tofu
Took a while to find, but I eventually did. Quality flavour and texture. My culinary highlight so far.

Blood pudding
Tasted like I remembered it - I think. No sensation. Somewhat surprising, I didn't get ill from eating it.

More to come when I get to try it.

I say it best when I say nothing at all.

This is true some times. Not sure what I am saying best in this post, but it must be something written between the lines for the title to be true for today. A saying also goes that one shouldn't say anything if there's nothing good to say. Hoping for something positive for tomorrow.

Always look forward.

Alive

Nothing much to tell today except the promise I'd post if I was alive. As it turns out, I AM alive. Not at my best though (back's acting up but it won't kill me), so I end this post at that.

Ahhh - blood pudding and tofu

From a culinary point of view, today has been good. In every other aspect, it's been just one of those days. For that reason, I'm keeping this short.

I found tofu today, and it was both good and not too expensive. Finally!!!! I may live after all.

I ate blood pudding and it was good (and inexpensive since I got it from my aunt). It's only been an hour since I ate it, so what my stomach feels about it remains to be seen. After a primarily vegetarian diet for years, I'm not sure how a bunch of animal blood will do in my intestinal flora. I hope to live.

If I post again tomorrow, you know I survived.

Tofu or no tofu

This is unbelievable. As we have entered the 21st century, you would think that even a town like Sala would have tofu in every grocery store of decent size. This town has four of those stores, and even though I've only been to three so far, there are no traces of tofu to be found. Sure, they have several kinds of soy beverages and 'soygurt', but NO tofu. Considering that I have based my weekly intake of protein and calcium on this product in the last years, this has become a problem for me here. Since my first unemployment cheque may be weeks in the coming, my affordable sources of protein are limited. If I have to turn to the health food store here (which I assume is still around), I might as well turn to other sources of protein. Everybody knows that health food stores add an extra profit margin on their products in comparison to grocery stores, and Sweden is definitely no exception to that rule. Bummer.

Took a walk today, and took some photos of many things 'eurostyle'. Since I unfortunately can't upload any photos from my camera yet, it'll just have to wait a little while. Hopefully, it'll be worth the wait. Damn - I should have bought that $7 multimedia-card-to-USB adapter at the Superstore while I was in London after all!!! Snap! Nah. I shouldn't get so riled up over something as trivial as that. I know I'll get the pics out of the camera soon enough, and I got some good exercise out of it. Out of the walk, not out of the riling up. ;) See - I'm calm again. I was really never that worked up. Must be the rose hip soup kicking in, calming me down. Or is it the gingersnaps that are supposed to calm people down and make them nice... I had no gingersnaps, so I guess the soup had some sort of effect. Who knows.

I might try some blood pudding tomorrow. Been too long already since I got back without me trying it again. I know I used to enjoy it, but that was about a decade ago. Tastebuds evolve. If you ask my now ex-roommate Laura, my tastebuds are defective, but I usually enjoy foods that I know are good for me, no matter what it tastes like. The obvious question then is: Is blood pudding good for me??? When I occasionally do eat red meat, I can't stand any of it left red - it HAS to be well done. Hmm... Maybe it's the lingonberry sauce that goes on the pudding that I truly like. For the non-connaisseur in the field of berries - lingonberries are closely related to cranberries. I'll make my mind up tomorrow, and see if I survive. If I do decide to try it, I should post another post by this time tomorrow as usual. I might not remember tomorrow that I mentioned blood pudding today, but if I post anything, at least you know I'm still alive - pudding or no pudding.

Time to go dream of blood pudding. Or tofu I can't find.

A very quiet Easter Sunday

This has been one of the slowest Easter Sundays that I can remember. And that says a lot coming from me!

It did start early though, since I woke at 6am (after 3-4 hours of sleep) with no idea whether it was morning or late afternoon. Since the daylight at this time of year at this location is pretty much the same around 6am and 6pm, I was more than a little confused. Little did it help that I have an analog alarmclock! As I heard the television turned on downstairs, I figured that there are no morning shows on that early in this country, and could only assume that I had slept all day long. What a waste!!! I got dressed, and went downstairs - only to find out that it WAS still morning. Great. As stupid as I felt, I was relieved that I hadn't wasted a nice, sunny day by hibernating. Back to bed, and I snoozed away for another few hours.

Spent the afternoon mostly translating my résumé into Swedish (and updating my contact info on the English one), and applying for some jobs. Even though my Swedish is not completely up to par, at least I could manage to apply for jobs at Uppsala university library that required excellent skills in English. The Swedish language should return to me automatically the more I use it. An assumption that could come back and bite me, unless I manage to stay away from the nuthouse for not being able to complete more than a few sentences in a row without serious issues. Time will tell, as they say. Whoever 'they' are. Could be the same 'they's that are out to get me!!! Oh dear. What a man to do but go crazy.

...and then there was the farting dog

Easter Saturday, or rather Easter Eve as we call it here, went by with few surprises. Everyone slept in more or less, and then we got up to prepare some food prior to driving over to my grandma to have our Easter meal.
It wasn't until tonight, when we were watching a movie on television that we got our surprise. My uncle's finnish beagle Pascall was sound asleep on 'his' couch (you should see the evil eye I get when I sit there when he enters the room!), when all of a sudden he lets out this loud fart, waking himself up (Ang - any comments?) and making me and my aunt jump out of our seats! This dog eats EVERYTHING, and today he might have gotten a few things too many out of the ordinary. Maybe an egg too many or something - who knows. Anyways. Luckily, both me and my aunt have colds with stuffy noses, but the poor dog must have picked the scent he just let out, and walked out of the room for 10 minutes. Not much of a highlight for the day, but I felt it had to be mentioned.

Happy Easter everyone!

P.S. Be careful what you feed your pets. It may come back and haunt you.

Sight-seeing! - Round and round we go...

Got to go on some short sight-seeing today, to see what has changed and not. Turns out, it's a lot more that has NOT changed than what has. The more noticable change in the town centre is the addition of a galleria mall, with two floors (wow!) and the town's first escalator! Whether or not the escalator is actually the town's first or not is up for debate. During the unveiling of the galleria mall, they claimed it WAS, but I firmly insist we had one back in the 80s. Judging by the debate still ongoing in the Facebook group for people who live and have lived in this town, there is still no definite answer. Do I have to go to the library and see if I can find the answer there or what???!!! Do something in this town instead of yapping about nothing!!!! So sad. A ghost town with zombies talking funny. I know - that was incorrect since zombies don't talk. Still - I think you get the point.

Sight-seeing by car took me to the new traffic circles in the outskirts of town. While I do understand the purpose of traffic circles, I'm not sure why this place need so many of them. When the traffic light disappears in favour of yet another one, the driver's ed school will have to close since it's not allowed to get your licence in a town with no traffic lights. Go figure. Just go ahead and kill off some businesses that have been around here forever, and that are part of most people's induction to driverhood.

With Easter being here and all, everything seems to be closed until Tuesday. No clue what I might end up doing. No easter bunnies around, but I might just see some kids dressed up as witches, begging for candy. Gotta luv those pagan traditions. I just hope none of those kids will take off on their brooms and fly off to Blue Hill to fornicate with the devil like the tradition goes. Not that it'd surprise me. Maybe I should start bringing my camcorder with me when I go out and shoot some of this freakiness. Might end up there on the video shelves with Twin Peaks and The Outer Limits.

Stay safe, and don't eat too many eggs. Candy or otherwise. Moderation is the key. That said (written) - I know I don't follow my own advice in here with my typed spewing of deranged mentalese, but since you're reading this, I suppose it has some purpose. Straight from my brain to yours for safe keeping until it's forgotten.

Cars and mail

This place is weird. Oh, I've mentioned that before? Well, now it's official. There are no longer any post offices in this country. For sending and picking up mail that doesn't fit your mailbox, you need to go to the nearest grocery store. Huh. Makes no sense. I must have been too de-Swedified after my years in Canada, eh??!!!

After about 4 days here, I have seen one (1) North American vehicle - a Chevy Silverado. Other than that, it's all Volvo and Saab (expected since this is the birth place for both), and then Volkswagen, Renault, Nissan, and some other cars. Nothing exciting, in other words. Then again, I don't think too many things will be too exciting until I get this cold out of my body.

Looks like unemployment money is still out of sight. Will have to wait for some papers to arrive in my mailbox before I can send a letter myself to try to get some money. I've become pretty good at waiting, so that shouldn't be a problem. Unless it takes too long, and I'll hungry. Bad habit, this eating thing. Seems like it's a global disease too, eh? Everybody wants to eat. It's amazing more people don't turn cannibalistic on you!!!! Good thing for my aunt and uncle that I prefer veggies and fruit over meat - they should be safe as long as the spring weather brings out fresh grass and such. Still a bit brown and grey, but it's coming. I have enough noodles and blood pudding inthe freezer to live until I have some nice, juicy, & fresh grass to munch on. Mmmm... :)

Gotta go. I'm tired. Had a good day day in general, after talking to Canada both on the phone and on MSN chat. I even proof-read a paper for school in London!!! Always preferable to end a day on a good note.

So long.

Crash and burn, baby...

So much for any plans to go and look for work this morning.
Woke up with a bad cold, and never made it out the door. I know exactly who did it too - the woman who sat behind me on the plane and couldn't stop coughing. Thanks, Jane Doe!

At least staying in kept me from having to act Swedish too much. It feels like I'm playing a part when trying to communicate with people in Swedish, and it's not myself. And definitely not Academy Award material!!!!

Hitting the sack early, to try to sleep off this cold and head out fairly early tomorrow to see what can be done at the unemployment office.

Horsing around

I forgot to mention something in my last post. On my way back from town, I stopped by at the grocery store. Once in there, something unusual caught my eye. I had found "horse sausage" on sale in one of the coolers. Well, the word sausage is not really used the same way here ads in English, so it may be more proper to call it horse bolony ('bologna' if you're a stickler for correctness). I didn't know horse meat was THAT common around here. Later in the day, I mentioned this to my aunt, and to my surprise she told me that everything that I've eaten in my youth labelled 'hamburger meat' has in fact been ground up horse meat. Her assumption why they called it 'hamburger meat' rather than 'ground horse' was that some people (or their kids) may not enjoy their food as much if they are more aware that there are pieces of horse on the plate.

Huh.

Surreality

This afternoon, I took a walk down to the town centre to get myself registered as a Swede living in Sweden again. I had forgotten how much this town smells like wet dirt in the spring!! I guess it's how close to nature it is...

I had to use the one traffic light on my way, and had to wait a while. Sadly (well, not really), this light won't be around much longer since they just can't get it to work properly. It'll come down, and make way for yet another traffic circle. I find it very disturbing that this town can't even get the ONE traffic light here to function properly in about 20 YEARS!!! They're good at traffic circles though, and perhaps they keep pushing that expertize to the limit just for the hell of it. It's time for the city to start numbering the traffic circles. I think there'll be five in a row once that light comes down in favour of the new roundabout. Yay.

Once I made it down to the town centre, I felt like reality had just vanished. I heard all these weird words and sentences uttered by the people around me, and they sounded like ridiculous chitter-chatter from some alien species. Even stranger - I understood what they said!!!! Had I some how gotten a babelfish inside of me? No. I quickly realized that this was the language I grew up speaking, with some slight variations that have arrived with new slang and borrowed words. How can a language come to sound so stupid in just seven years? Yes, it looks weird when I read it too, but hearing it by groups of people just blew my mind. Poor bastards - they didn't even seem to realize how ridiculous they sounded!!!! I can only assume that I sound even worse myself when I speak now, with my quite broken lingo coming from a confused language centre in my brain. I still think in English, and somehow I manage to squeeze out Swedish words fairly well. Sentence structure is out of whack, but I get most of what I intend to say through. Or the people I have talked to in the last day or so have been very forgiving and just polite in all their confusion of trying to decode my words - and my desperate body language that I still think helps out a little. Maybe it just adds to the sanity. I won't ask.

More words tomorrow. I'm sure tomorrow will be just as crazy. Wouldn't be the slightest surprised if I wake up inside a Picasso painting after hitting the sack tonight.

The first morning in Sweden in seven years

So here I am - back in the country where I was born and raised. It's a strange feeling. Waking up in Canada in the last seven years has been comforting in some way that I can't explain. While my first months in Canada were filled with struggle, I have come to expect and count on London to be my home. Ontario is where I have my friends, Sweden is where I have family and acquaintances.

In spite of my hostility towards my being here, I know everything happens for a reason. I know I need to be here right now, no matter what I want in life. I need to get some things back in order before I can deal with the rest of my life. However, that doesn't mean I have to like the fact that I am where I don't feel like I belong.

Much more to come - every once in a while.