Posts

I haven't posted much in a long time now, and it's not because I'm bored.
My body is continuing to break down, and I try to limit my minutes by the computer. In only minutes, my fingers and hands go numb when typing, my feet and legs when I sit down, and I don't know what to do about this. I hope the MRI in 3 days will find a reason, or at least find something that can be fixed by other ways than just physical therapy.
I'm getting desperate, but can only wait and hope for the best.

This may be my last post in a VERY long time.

New month, new issues

So we've come to August. Yay.

Had a great start of the month - been in bed all day due to a migraine, somehow got a bug bite on my right shin that is utterly sore and has stiffened my leg from my ankle up to my thigh, and I have a slight fever. Just what I needed.

Less than six weeks until my MRI. If I live that long. :S

Another week, another physical therapist, new equipment...

Monday is here. Went to see my new physical therapist today (Dara), since I wore out the first one (Sofie).
No more acupuncture since it didn't work at all. The new approach is heat, more electric stimuli, and more support. I got my very first pair of crutches, to help me support myself instead of constantly walk around with extreme tension to keep myself upright. Later in the week, I'll shop for a heat pillow, one of those things you put in the microwave oven until it's hot enough to last a little while.
As for Dara's ideas of what my problem could be, she wasn't sure. It could be disk hernia, it could be something similar, or it could be cancer. Nobody seems to be able to tell what it is for sure until I have the MRI - which I finally have an appointment for! I called the clinic today, and I've had an appointment for a while even though something went wrong in mailing it to me. I only have to wait for a couple of months until I have it - in September. It's a while until then, but at least I have something concrete to look forward to. I want the truth, and I think I can handle the truth. I just want to know - and know if there's anything they can do about it. It's always good to have a goal, and now I have one more. It may be on collision course with my goal to spend Xmas in with Joe and Ang, but my health has to come first.

Losing my mind

Another sporadic attempt to write something that makes sense to more people than myself. Only you can judge if I succeed.

I'm slowly but surely losing my mind, or whatever is left of it. Right now, I have way too many unknown variables in my life to know what next week has to offer. My body is starting to break down, and I still haven't heard anything about getting an appointment for an MRI. I'm sure one reason is that it's summer in Sweden. Everything that doesn't shut down, slows down - even health care provision. I'm glad to be 'in the system' though, since there will eventually be some sort of action.

The problem is that I can't plan anything since I don't know 1) when I'll get the MRI done, 2) what the scan will reveal, 3) how long in the future potential surgery would be, 4) how long it'll take to get me back on my feet, and 5) if physical therapy is as good as things will get. So far, physical therapy has only made me worse (ok, not quite fair to my wonderful therapist who has tried everything she could think of), or the therapy has been going on in parallel with my body deteriorating. Either way - I didn't think it'd get this bad.

In all this, I am still happy to (finally) have free health care (as slow and uncertain as it may be), since if I had remained in Canada without any health care, I could be in a very bad position right now. Karma is doing its thing, I reckon. I haven't found a job yet in spite of plentiful attemps, and it feels like I won't be able to find anything until my body is back in functional shape. I'm not even looking for jobs actively, since I'm on sick leave. Unemployed and on sick leave.

But I'm still positive about the future. It'll take a lot more than this to make me lose hope. :)

Update

Been a long time since I wrote anything in here. I've had my reasons. I've started going to a physical therapist, and initially, I felt like this is all I need to get well. After a few sessions, however, things started to go in the wrong direction. She didn't do anything wrong, it was just my body letting me know that working out was not what it wanted. Since then, I've been to the orthopedic clinic in Västerås, which ended up with me being on the waiting list for an MRT/MRT - a body scan. Maybe the mysteries of what is wrong with my body and what can be done about it will finally be revealed. I hope so.

I'm now officially on sick leave, and I no longer have to look for jobs I never could take anyways. That is also typical, since I finally found a job in Montreal that I really liked and that felt was customized for me. Video game translator/tester - could it be any better? I'm still waiting to hear from them, but I reckon karma is somehow making sure that I won't find a job until my physical issues have been dealt with.

For the best of my body, I shouldn't sit by the computer for very long, but I get stir crazy doing nothing. I have started with a new version of the SAQD web site, and my personal website has also received a slight upgrade. As long as I still manage to fit my exercises between computer time, I feel I can do this. I NEED to do this. I crave it, and it's therapy of sorts for my soul, no matter how crazy that may sound.

I have tried to get in touch with Lenny in the last few days, after only getting a few seconds the first time I called in ages. Not sure why I'm not getting through. Could just be bad timing, or I get screened by his mom. I hope he's doing well. He means too much to me for me to just let things go and accept that he's more or less on his own. Some words from friends concerning him are encouraging, but there are still so many question marks that I just don't know. I really hope that I'll be able to find out what is really going on fairly soon.

Blog interruption

There might be some time until I write here again.
I've come up with this idea to write down everything about my first backpacking trip back in 1988, and this should take all the time I have to sit down most days.

Just so you know.

The woman of my dreams might be the key to the woman of my future reality

As strange as that may sound, I am maybe as confused about that as you are.

I have had another drug induced dream. Actually, I have had MANY drug induced dreams since I wrote anything here last. Since my last post, my life has pretty much been a hazy mix of drugs and sleep. I believe my body is starting to get along better with the prescribed drugs, but I am taking it an hour at a time, to not get any hopes up. I know by now that my body's reaction to these drugs can be unpredictable, judging from the first batch. Considering that I am on a second batch--twice as strong--together with two other medications, I don't even pretend to think I know how my physical body will react. Obviously, it's just as hard to predict how my psyche with its already complex twists and turns will be able to deal with it. I just hope that my dream state will continue to take care of most of it, so that my awakened state doesn't have to deal with the many dimensions of consciousness that seems to exist in my dormant self. That's as good as I will ever be able to explain what is going on right now. This is new to me, and I am but a mere vessel here, trying to convey the words of my mind's journey as good as I can. If you are confused, you don't even want to know my state of mind when I wake up with yet another dream that initially makes more sense than any reality I've ever lived, but swiftly fades away and soon becomes just a part of my past - a part that was never as real as the past that can be verified with dates, locations, and witnesses.