There might be some time until I write here again.
I've come up with this idea to write down everything about my first backpacking trip back in 1988, and this should take all the time I have to sit down most days.
Just so you know.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The woman of my dreams might be the key to the woman of my future reality
As strange as that may sound, I am maybe as confused about that as you are.
I have had another drug induced dream. Actually, I have had MANY drug induced dreams since I wrote anything here last. Since my last post, my life has pretty much been a hazy mix of drugs and sleep. I believe my body is starting to get along better with the prescribed drugs, but I am taking it an hour at a time, to not get any hopes up. I know by now that my body's reaction to these drugs can be unpredictable, judging from the first batch. Considering that I am on a second batch--twice as strong--together with two other medications, I don't even pretend to think I know how my physical body will react. Obviously, it's just as hard to predict how my psyche with its already complex twists and turns will be able to deal with it. I just hope that my dream state will continue to take care of most of it, so that my awakened state doesn't have to deal with the many dimensions of consciousness that seems to exist in my dormant self. That's as good as I will ever be able to explain what is going on right now. This is new to me, and I am but a mere vessel here, trying to convey the words of my mind's journey as good as I can. If you are confused, you don't even want to know my state of mind when I wake up with yet another dream that initially makes more sense than any reality I've ever lived, but swiftly fades away and soon becomes just a part of my past - a part that was never as real as the past that can be verified with dates, locations, and witnesses.
I have had another drug induced dream. Actually, I have had MANY drug induced dreams since I wrote anything here last. Since my last post, my life has pretty much been a hazy mix of drugs and sleep. I believe my body is starting to get along better with the prescribed drugs, but I am taking it an hour at a time, to not get any hopes up. I know by now that my body's reaction to these drugs can be unpredictable, judging from the first batch. Considering that I am on a second batch--twice as strong--together with two other medications, I don't even pretend to think I know how my physical body will react. Obviously, it's just as hard to predict how my psyche with its already complex twists and turns will be able to deal with it. I just hope that my dream state will continue to take care of most of it, so that my awakened state doesn't have to deal with the many dimensions of consciousness that seems to exist in my dormant self. That's as good as I will ever be able to explain what is going on right now. This is new to me, and I am but a mere vessel here, trying to convey the words of my mind's journey as good as I can. If you are confused, you don't even want to know my state of mind when I wake up with yet another dream that initially makes more sense than any reality I've ever lived, but swiftly fades away and soon becomes just a part of my past - a part that was never as real as the past that can be verified with dates, locations, and witnesses.
Friday, May 29, 2009
A post today!
Haven't been blogging much lately. Have spent the time I have been able to sit by the computer for my Bladlund.com website upgrades. Since I apply for jobs in Sweden as well as outside the country, I need to have it in Swedish and in English. An upgrade was overdue either way.
The morphine is not working as well as it initially did. Not even close. But I have no side-effects anymore. Tried to call the doc about it today, but got the word that I can only call weekdays between 7:15 and 9am. So - I need to wait until Monday morning, and my morphine runs out Tuesday morning...
The morphine is not working as well as it initially did. Not even close. But I have no side-effects anymore. Tried to call the doc about it today, but got the word that I can only call weekdays between 7:15 and 9am. So - I need to wait until Monday morning, and my morphine runs out Tuesday morning...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Starting to see the drug addict/author connection...
...in the last few days. I still don't understand why anyone would like to go through the process of getting into drugs voluntarily, since it's a nasty one. I don't really want to think about stopping taking these drugs, but that is only a week away and I'll know soon enough.
Since my last post, I've slept a lot, and gotten used to the morphine in my system. I haven't had any side-effects lately, except for some that aren't listed on the package. Almost every time I wake up from one of my numerous naps or longer sleeps, I have a story in my head. If I took the first minutes after I woke up and wrote things down, or at least the outline, I would have the basis for several novels or shorter stories by now. Or song narratives, if I was a song writer. These stories have nothing to do with my own life, they're just fictional works that have popped up in my head while my conscious has been out cold and my subconscious has been more active than usual. My brain is really active now while I'm resting my body. It's as if the brain has more time to be active while the morphine has taken the pain load off the body - and I'm certain that the morphine is making the brain think things it wouldn't without it too, or the stories in my head wouldn't be as vivid and far out as they have been. I haven't written them down, and I have no examples, but every time I do recall them--even just for a few minutes after I awaken--they are so real that I could swear on their validity. Then I realize where I am, and what's in my system.
I can really see how some of the greatest writers (of books and music) also have been been drug addicts. Perhaps other drugs can do the trick, in other ways for other people. Since this is the first drug I've really tested, I am no expert on the topic, but I can see how it fits together. And it still leaves me a firm believer in not doing drugs recreationally. If one can't deal with real life without drugs, why run from the problems even temporarily when everything is still there once the drugs have worn off? Plus - drug addiction rarely affects only the person taking them, and I have no intention to ruin anybody's life but my own (if it ever came to that).
Kind of good to know though, that I have a mind full of stories that can surface under the influence. I've always loved to write, even if I have no storytelling skills whatsoever.
Since my last post, I've slept a lot, and gotten used to the morphine in my system. I haven't had any side-effects lately, except for some that aren't listed on the package. Almost every time I wake up from one of my numerous naps or longer sleeps, I have a story in my head. If I took the first minutes after I woke up and wrote things down, or at least the outline, I would have the basis for several novels or shorter stories by now. Or song narratives, if I was a song writer. These stories have nothing to do with my own life, they're just fictional works that have popped up in my head while my conscious has been out cold and my subconscious has been more active than usual. My brain is really active now while I'm resting my body. It's as if the brain has more time to be active while the morphine has taken the pain load off the body - and I'm certain that the morphine is making the brain think things it wouldn't without it too, or the stories in my head wouldn't be as vivid and far out as they have been. I haven't written them down, and I have no examples, but every time I do recall them--even just for a few minutes after I awaken--they are so real that I could swear on their validity. Then I realize where I am, and what's in my system.
I can really see how some of the greatest writers (of books and music) also have been been drug addicts. Perhaps other drugs can do the trick, in other ways for other people. Since this is the first drug I've really tested, I am no expert on the topic, but I can see how it fits together. And it still leaves me a firm believer in not doing drugs recreationally. If one can't deal with real life without drugs, why run from the problems even temporarily when everything is still there once the drugs have worn off? Plus - drug addiction rarely affects only the person taking them, and I have no intention to ruin anybody's life but my own (if it ever came to that).
Kind of good to know though, that I have a mind full of stories that can surface under the influence. I've always loved to write, even if I have no storytelling skills whatsoever.
Friday, May 22, 2009
How can anyone be on morphine recreationally by choice?????
If I didn't know that morphine takes away pretty much all the back pain I've been struggling with for years in an instant, I woudn't believe it. And even though I know it's temporary, I am glad I got it. BUT! Considering the side-effects, I can NOT understand how ANYONE can take this drug voluntarily as a recreational drug. If someone likes taking this drug just for getting away from their reality, they must have serious problems. But I'll get to that pat in due time. I'll take my visit to the ER step by step. I think it's worth telling the story.
So - my mom picked me up to take me to the ER, which is located in Västerås, a bigger city about 35km from where I am now. SO wonderful to only have that far to the nearest ER, eh? At least we have an ambulance depot here in case someone is bleeding through their ass or is going into cardiac arrest or something.
Once there, I walked up to the ticket thingy, and got my number for waiting in line. Turns out, it was my turn right away. I explain my situation, that I just came home from Canada, have been waiting for weeks to get an appointment with a doctor in Sala, my hometown, and that my back has gotten to the point where I had no choice but to come to the ER for some help. The admitting nurse was flabbergasted with how I had been treated in Sala, that I hadn't gotten an appointment yet, and explained that she wasn't really allowed to admit me. The 'correct' way to admit me was to have my family doctor send me here, and let them know in advance that I was coming so they would have time to prepare. Whatever. As I got worried that they actually wouldn't let me in, I stated my case and that I really had to be admitted since I was in too much pain to function on any level as a human being!!! The nurse realized I was teling the truth, and finally admitted me, with the explanation that would describe in the admitting records why she let me in without following the proper procedure. Phewww! Relief. Step one passed - I was IN!
After paying the required $50 to get care, I took a seat in the waiting room, and had only waited for a minute or when an orderly called me in to a room, where I should wait for a doctor.
About an hour and a half later, a doctor actually showed up in my room. In spite of my naturally calm nature, I was about to lose it, but seeing the doctor brought me back to my normal calm. And as usual, I got a foreign doctor. In my many visits to the ER in my life (many reasons, but none important here), I have NEVER had a Swedish ER doctor. This time I got a Russian, Bulgarian, or someone from that region. I didn't ask, but the name and accent were both fairly revealing. He started to examine me, after a bunch of questions about my condition. Since I didn't have certain symptoms, I was told that didn't need the anal probe, but I could've had it done in case I wanted to. I politely declined. Maybe five minutes later, he had come to the conclusion that, yes, once again, I had disk hernia. Just like I suspected. The verdict was in. He also told me that some times (most of the time), a disk hernia can heal itself with just medication and rest. Not rest like I see rest, but complete rest, with staying in bed as much as I could handle. No long walks, no going to the store and come back out with a bunch of grocery bags hanging from my backpack for everything that didn't fit inside it. Nothing. Oh well. At least I knew for sure now. Prior to my visit to the doc, I thought that moving around a bit couldn't hurt, or that it could even help. Good to know what I can and can't do, or rather should and shouldn't do.
In the next three hours or so, a nurse came in with my first painkiller, that I needed to take to make sure that it wouldn't make me sick. Then the docotr came back with two prescriptions, and he carefully told me how to take them since they were powerful. Any error in how I took them, and I could be back in the ER in no time. Knowing that I would get a couple of versions of morphine made me peaceful, since I know that this is powerful shit. My dad used to take them for some of his pain issues, and it mostly worked for him. Next step was to have me pee in a cup, for other tests, and they also took some of my blood to see if there was something else wrong with me. One never knows what I might have picked up in my seven years in Canada!!!!
Once I could leave, I felt good, and the short-term morphine tablet that I got had no bad effects on me. The long-term kind was in store for late that night. The long-term kind, I was supposed to take two of, morning and night, until I knew that it took most--if not all--of my pain away, and then I could go down to one table twice a day. The short-term kind was for possible spikes of pain, and should only be taken when needed. While waiting before it was bedtime and I was about to take the tablet, I went through the information about the medication I had received. "Mostly for use with patients with severe cancer pains", said the description. Should be strong enough then, I thought. The side-effects mentioned dizziness, drowsiness, potential nausea and vomiting, and some others. I rarely get affected by the side-effects stated, so I figured - why for this one?
Only minutes after taking the two-tablet dose, I started sweating, and yes, there was nausea. The nausea quickly made me run to the bathroom, and this is pretty much how my first night ended up. If I stayed in bed, it wasn't too bad, but any attempt to stand up ended up with me in the bathroom. Terrific. I had no pain in my back though!!!
This was two and half days ago. Now, I can actually eat food and keep them, even though the nausea is lurking. I reckon my body has gotten used to the shock the morphine initially gave me. I don't move around too much though. I sleep 20 hours of the day, and don't get up much. I try to eat, but I probably don't eat enough. I know I might not be able to keep it if I eat or drink too much, so why try. Might get better in the next couple of days, since I am cutting back to one tablet per dose starting tonight. Will be interesting how this affects my job interview next week.
I think this is all I'll write for now. Feels like it's time to get horizontal for the night. But there you have it, folks! A short tale about what can go on at a Swedish ER. Fun, eh.
So - my mom picked me up to take me to the ER, which is located in Västerås, a bigger city about 35km from where I am now. SO wonderful to only have that far to the nearest ER, eh? At least we have an ambulance depot here in case someone is bleeding through their ass or is going into cardiac arrest or something.
Once there, I walked up to the ticket thingy, and got my number for waiting in line. Turns out, it was my turn right away. I explain my situation, that I just came home from Canada, have been waiting for weeks to get an appointment with a doctor in Sala, my hometown, and that my back has gotten to the point where I had no choice but to come to the ER for some help. The admitting nurse was flabbergasted with how I had been treated in Sala, that I hadn't gotten an appointment yet, and explained that she wasn't really allowed to admit me. The 'correct' way to admit me was to have my family doctor send me here, and let them know in advance that I was coming so they would have time to prepare. Whatever. As I got worried that they actually wouldn't let me in, I stated my case and that I really had to be admitted since I was in too much pain to function on any level as a human being!!! The nurse realized I was teling the truth, and finally admitted me, with the explanation that would describe in the admitting records why she let me in without following the proper procedure. Phewww! Relief. Step one passed - I was IN!
After paying the required $50 to get care, I took a seat in the waiting room, and had only waited for a minute or when an orderly called me in to a room, where I should wait for a doctor.
About an hour and a half later, a doctor actually showed up in my room. In spite of my naturally calm nature, I was about to lose it, but seeing the doctor brought me back to my normal calm. And as usual, I got a foreign doctor. In my many visits to the ER in my life (many reasons, but none important here), I have NEVER had a Swedish ER doctor. This time I got a Russian, Bulgarian, or someone from that region. I didn't ask, but the name and accent were both fairly revealing. He started to examine me, after a bunch of questions about my condition. Since I didn't have certain symptoms, I was told that didn't need the anal probe, but I could've had it done in case I wanted to. I politely declined. Maybe five minutes later, he had come to the conclusion that, yes, once again, I had disk hernia. Just like I suspected. The verdict was in. He also told me that some times (most of the time), a disk hernia can heal itself with just medication and rest. Not rest like I see rest, but complete rest, with staying in bed as much as I could handle. No long walks, no going to the store and come back out with a bunch of grocery bags hanging from my backpack for everything that didn't fit inside it. Nothing. Oh well. At least I knew for sure now. Prior to my visit to the doc, I thought that moving around a bit couldn't hurt, or that it could even help. Good to know what I can and can't do, or rather should and shouldn't do.
In the next three hours or so, a nurse came in with my first painkiller, that I needed to take to make sure that it wouldn't make me sick. Then the docotr came back with two prescriptions, and he carefully told me how to take them since they were powerful. Any error in how I took them, and I could be back in the ER in no time. Knowing that I would get a couple of versions of morphine made me peaceful, since I know that this is powerful shit. My dad used to take them for some of his pain issues, and it mostly worked for him. Next step was to have me pee in a cup, for other tests, and they also took some of my blood to see if there was something else wrong with me. One never knows what I might have picked up in my seven years in Canada!!!!
Once I could leave, I felt good, and the short-term morphine tablet that I got had no bad effects on me. The long-term kind was in store for late that night. The long-term kind, I was supposed to take two of, morning and night, until I knew that it took most--if not all--of my pain away, and then I could go down to one table twice a day. The short-term kind was for possible spikes of pain, and should only be taken when needed. While waiting before it was bedtime and I was about to take the tablet, I went through the information about the medication I had received. "Mostly for use with patients with severe cancer pains", said the description. Should be strong enough then, I thought. The side-effects mentioned dizziness, drowsiness, potential nausea and vomiting, and some others. I rarely get affected by the side-effects stated, so I figured - why for this one?
Only minutes after taking the two-tablet dose, I started sweating, and yes, there was nausea. The nausea quickly made me run to the bathroom, and this is pretty much how my first night ended up. If I stayed in bed, it wasn't too bad, but any attempt to stand up ended up with me in the bathroom. Terrific. I had no pain in my back though!!!
This was two and half days ago. Now, I can actually eat food and keep them, even though the nausea is lurking. I reckon my body has gotten used to the shock the morphine initially gave me. I don't move around too much though. I sleep 20 hours of the day, and don't get up much. I try to eat, but I probably don't eat enough. I know I might not be able to keep it if I eat or drink too much, so why try. Might get better in the next couple of days, since I am cutting back to one tablet per dose starting tonight. Will be interesting how this affects my job interview next week.
I think this is all I'll write for now. Feels like it's time to get horizontal for the night. But there you have it, folks! A short tale about what can go on at a Swedish ER. Fun, eh.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Mighty Morphine recipient
Yes, I got to see a doc in the ER today, and got some morphine to help with the pain. Might be some weird posts in the next few days, or no posts at all. Just so you know, people!!!!!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Where I stand
I have come to a point right now when I need to do something concrete. Waiting for doctor's appointments that never arrive is pointless. Instead, tomorrow Wednesday I will head to the nearest Emergency Room (30kms; not in this town) and sit there until I get admitted. If my symptoms aren't serious enough to do anything, I don't know what to do. Right now, I can't move without feeling shooting pains in my back, I've started to walk more on the front of my feet to not have to take the back pains from landing on the heel, I can't walk for more than 3-4 kms without having to lay down afterwards to be able to breathe right (back cramps up enough to affect my lungs getting enough air), and I have had sciatica in my left leg for almost a week straight.
Applying for jobs feels ridiculous, since no employer in their right mind would hire me in this condition. In spite of this, I HAVE applied to 26 jobs since in the last month that I've been back in Sweden, and I have started to call around to the places I've applied to in hope it'll help my résumé/cv move up in the pile. Unfortunately, my pathetic cell phone operator have--after a full month!--not been able to fix my wish to add a feature called Global3, which would enable me to call the countries (Canada, Ireland, and the UK) that I have applied for work in other than Sweden for a measly CAD$0.03/minute. Until they fix this, it'd cost me almost $1/minute to call, so any foreign job application follow-up is currently impossible. I just got off the phone with yet another customer service guy who promised I'd get a call later this week with a solution to the problem, and not until then could a discussion of proper compensation for them failing to activate a seemingly simple service be initiated.
Take my word for it - I won't let this incompetence slide without compensation that I consider to be appropriate. We'll see how much they value me as a continued customer, even though I'm not sure I want to continue with them. After all, everything regarding them has gone wrong from the start: it took almost a week to get my phone working, and then this Global3 feature fuck-up.
The only good thing is that I have good coverage around here, and even when we traveled up to see my cousin in Umeå. I'm also happy with the phone itself, which has some neat features that are useful (compass, step counter, MP3 player, FM radio, 2.0MP camera, waterproof, dustproof, and other normal phone stuff). I'm curious as to what they could offer me. I don't want a phone upgrade. We'll see.
Applying for jobs feels ridiculous, since no employer in their right mind would hire me in this condition. In spite of this, I HAVE applied to 26 jobs since in the last month that I've been back in Sweden, and I have started to call around to the places I've applied to in hope it'll help my résumé/cv move up in the pile. Unfortunately, my pathetic cell phone operator have--after a full month!--not been able to fix my wish to add a feature called Global3, which would enable me to call the countries (Canada, Ireland, and the UK) that I have applied for work in other than Sweden for a measly CAD$0.03/minute. Until they fix this, it'd cost me almost $1/minute to call, so any foreign job application follow-up is currently impossible. I just got off the phone with yet another customer service guy who promised I'd get a call later this week with a solution to the problem, and not until then could a discussion of proper compensation for them failing to activate a seemingly simple service be initiated.
Take my word for it - I won't let this incompetence slide without compensation that I consider to be appropriate. We'll see how much they value me as a continued customer, even though I'm not sure I want to continue with them. After all, everything regarding them has gone wrong from the start: it took almost a week to get my phone working, and then this Global3 feature fuck-up.
The only good thing is that I have good coverage around here, and even when we traveled up to see my cousin in Umeå. I'm also happy with the phone itself, which has some neat features that are useful (compass, step counter, MP3 player, FM radio, 2.0MP camera, waterproof, dustproof, and other normal phone stuff). I'm curious as to what they could offer me. I don't want a phone upgrade. We'll see.
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